My Journey with Christmas & My Faith Walk

Some of my clearest and earliest memories of Christmas involve the ending of the Christmas Eve church service, where every one would hold a candle and sing silent night. I remember every year, glancing out the tall church windows, hoping that snowflakes would be falling as we walked out to go back home. I remember the glow of that farmhouse porch, with it's beautiful decorations, and the smell of fresh pine in the foyer. I recall waking up on Christmas morning and searching for the weight of the stocking at the bottom of my bed with my toes, and then, running across to my brothers room, to make sure he also got his. I can still see his little curls and cute little lips with the freckle, break into the biggest smile when he woke to my face by his bed. I would grab his stocking and his little hand, and we would run to my parent's bed to go through our stockings before we would head downstairs. I remember watching the morning light beam onto my parents wooden headboard, and could smell the smell of pancakes from the kitchen downstairs. We would be blindfolded to head down to breakfast, before running into the foyer, to witness the sparkling joy of the presents under the tree. The sound of the Christmas songs and hymns would be playing from the cassette/CD player, and we took our time to unwrap and give big hugs to each other. I remember always being so concerned with making sure my brother had the best experience possible that day, which was a stark contrast from 3 weeks prior, fighting over who got to put the star on top of the tree. He was one of those kids that was always SO grateful for every little gift he got. He would ooo and ahhh over each little thing and say thank you mama thank you daddy thank you Lea-Lea! It's so amazing, that as I sit here and write, I can still smell the smell, and feel the warmth of the old radiator in that farmhouse foyer.

As the story goes, life moves forward, and things change with the passing years. There were a few years that were lost to unfortunate circumstances and many things in life lost their sparkle for me. I went through some dark times, and my family went through a seasons of challenges. I praise God, however, that He found me in the midst of my darkness, and drew my by His loving kindness. I have shared my testimony many times before, but it is still mind boggling to me, what God can do in and through a life. God's power and lovingkindness is truly greater than life. I began slowly crawling out of a place of deep oppression physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, and it was a big, painful process for me. I was not one of those people, who woke up the morning after finally understanding the gospel and becoming born again, whose life was all put back together. I was spiritually made brand new, but it took time for me to see newness unfold in my physical reality. It took time for me to start to truly understand the nature of God and all it meant to be His daughter. Deliverance came in stages for me as I learned of Him and lived through Him. I do have a sneaky suspicion, that my understanding, deliverance, wisdom, and healing, will continue to be an unfolding journey for the rest of my life. Now knowing Him better, I can live in the confident expectation that He is unchanging, and will complete the good work He has begun in me, and it is written.

As Caroline Ingalls once said, 'We start learning the minute we're born, Laura. And if we're wise, we don't stop until the Lord calls us home.'

Looking back now on those early days of my walk, I realize that I was operating in a lot of fear. Fear of being deceived again, fear of disappointing God, fear of disappointing other people, fear of missing His calling for me, fear of punishment, just so much fear. When you come out of deception and you finally come to an understanding of the depths of your sin and fallen nature, the first instinct for some, is to never let it get that way again. But there in lies the problem. What I just described, is in essence, a form of self reliance, especially when fear driven. God doesn't want a relationship with us that is transaction driven, fear driven, intellect driven, self driven, or out of want. He desires sonship (daughtership). He wants intimate connection based in trust, freely willed love, truth, identity, and a desire to simply abide with Him. Any good Father would desire this type of relationship with his child. My fear of being deceived again, made me ripe for more deception. That seems ironic, I know, but the enemy feeds off fear.

If we are willing to stop and access the different areas of our life, and acknowledge where we reside in fear, that will tell us where we don't trust God enough, and where we are instead putting our trust in man. This fear clouds our judgement and gives the enemy fuel to mess with that area of our lives further. It could be health, finances, relationships, calling, and even our walk with God. One of the sneakiest things about self reliance in any area or reliance on any system of man over God, is a subtle form of idolatry and pride.

I had asked God in my desire to please Him, to strip me of anything that broke His heart. He began to show me things that I was carrying within me or from my old life that needed to go, and I was willing to be stripped down to nothing. When He convicted me of something, I answered, and I let it go. I didn't know If the conviction was for a season or forever, but it didn't matter to me, I was willing. One of the missteps I made along that journey was allowing convictions to not only come from God, but to also come from man. In my heart posture of fear, I was ready to jump on just about anything, If it meant not disappointing God, like I felt I once had. And so, my ability to fully discern well was clouded. Wanting to please God is a GOOD thing, but that desire should come from a posture of sonship and identity. I was ready to throw everything into a trash bag and start from the ground up until I was sure that I knew and understood what God wanted. There were so many opinions on so many topics, that it felt like an avalanche. I know now that God will do things with us in stages because He loves us. He does not desire us to be running around carrying burdens and loads never intended for us.

What I have also learned in the past 10 years, is the importance of being slow to speak. And even deeper than that, is the NEED of wisdom, at the root of absolutely everything.

You see, the enemy will try to distract you, before you step into your calling and destiny. I have always known deep down that my calling was to encourage other women and to help them step into their identity and calling. I have always known that I had gifting in writing, speaking, and I've been told my whole life that I had a gift of influence. This was always ironic to me, being that I am what's known as an outgoing introvert, emphasis on introvert. I have always been somewhat private, and it's intensified over the years, as I've had some unfortunate situations take place with other humans. Looking back, I can see how the enemy channeled my built in gifts, in detoured directions, and even in ways that I now deeply regret. I share this, because I want you to know that this is what we are all vulnerable to. The enemy will try to distract you as long as possible, before you step into your God given destiny and purpose. You have special and beautiful things inside you that are put there to please God and serve others. As you can imagine, children of God stepping fully into their purpose, does not thrill the enemy. Maybe you have regrets also. Please, don't let that stop you from walking into your calling and position.

Sure, the enemy will try and throw your past in your face, and weaponize shame, guilt, insecurity, and fear ...more distractions.

So, wait on God. Be slow to speak, and learn your identity. Learn the currency of heaven and the truth about your son or daughtership in God. Let your gifts unfold and allow God to show you how He desires to use them to manifest His glory on earth. Now, don't panic If you have made detours like I have. God has this incredible way of taking our missteps and still working things out for good, when we are willing to come to Him in humility. From what I have observed, God tends to be much for merciful and grace filled than people.

I believe there are multiple types of convictions. There are the convictions that should be universal in the body of Christ. These are the things that go directly against the Word of God and His commandments. Thou shalt not steal. Stealing should be a conviction for every single believer. Then, there are personal convictions. These can be for us personally from the Holy Spirit, or they can be ones we impose on ourself, or ones imposed on us by someone else. We see the concept of this in the book of Romans. These convictions can be for a season and purpose in a person's life or they could be forever, depending on the person and the issue. For example, If God is stripping away or delivering someone from a spirit of vanity, He may convict that person for a season or for life, to give certain things up, to be delivered from that oppression. And If someone does feel a conviction from the Holy Spirit and they ignore it, the bible says to THEM, it is sin. Wearing a necklace is not a sin, but If someone has to stop wearing jewelry for a season, that is a personal conviction. Wearing a skirt to the knee instead of the floor is not sin, but maybe you go through a season where you feel you need to wear skirts to the floor, and that's fine. Sometimes, we will impose conviction on ourselves based on our current interpretation of scripture or experiences, or someone else (or a denomination or ministry) will impose their interpretations or convictions on us and others. This, is where problem lies. Forcing someone else to be weighed down by things that aren't sins in scripture, by telling them it's a sin, is adding bondages to others that they were not intended to carry; it's adding to the Word of God. It is not our job to talk someone else out of their seasons of personal conviction, and it's also not our job to talk others into our convictions. It is our job to love one another and encourage one another to walk closer with Jesus, and to root for one another in our walk with Him.

I noticed when I was doing ministry videos, that I would talk about my convictions, and other people would quickly take those things on as their convictions. Looking back, the way I verbalized some things, was not the way I should have said them. I often wish I could go back and do better, and I am deeply sorry for any confusion that I ever caused anyone. I slowly became very uncomfortable with sharing the nuances of my personal convictions because I felt very uneasy with people jumping on things because I was doing them. I have matured deeply in my understanding of the gift to influence and I am very slow to speak these days without clear clear vision from God on what He is asking me to do in the moment.

I got to this point in my walk, where I began to see a lot of hypocrisy, not only in myself, but in people around me; I started seeing spiritual pride everywhere. Shortly after this, my brother passed away, and this turned my priorities upside down. I suddenly took on a tenderness for a dying and lost world that I never had before. I saw a world of people, young people, hopeless and lost, all while people around me were arguing over doctrine and stupid details of their personal convictions. God began to bring so so many things to my attention that I needed to deal with and pull away from. I unsubscribed to just about every channel and ministry I followed, I threw out books, I stopped posting on YouTube, we shut down the ministry, and I left the fellowship we were attending. I spent over a year where I only posted a few vlogs on my Little House channel, because I realized that I never wanted to say another thing on the internet or anywhere else, unless I was sure it was God calling me to do it. I said, If I can't speak publicly from a place of wisdom, I'm not interested in it at all. I desperately needed to noise to stop, so that I could sit in silence with God. I spent every sabbath after that, reading the word, researching, crying, praying, and listening. Slowly, I added back in some online sermons and faith centered podcasts, but I wanted to spend the majority of my time listening, learning, and praying for wisdom. I began to crave wisdom like I craved air. 

I never ever wanted to do another thing with any of my gifts without wisdom. I was also walking through and out of some of my personal seasons of conviction and deliverance and just overall started feeling alive again and ready to let God do what He does best.

As a side note, you are allowed to grow and change. In fact, we are called to go from glory to glory; living water moves. Not everyone is going to like where God takes you and not everybody is going to get it or accept it. This friend, is a part of living. They are allowed to have an opinion, and we can love them, and release it. As I said earlier, God tends to be much more filled with grace than most people. I truly never cease to be amazed at the faithfulness and mercy of God.

One of the topics that I dug deep into during that time was Christmas. I wanted to know 100% for myself, without any opinions, what the truth was. I had spent a few years prior avoiding it completely. I had gotten to the point one year, where I just wanted that part of the year to be over as quickly as possible. I know now, that was an incredibly misguided sentiment, but I digress. Thankfully, I never allowed the topic to ruin any relationships with friends or family, and If you get only one thing out of this post, do not let your convictions ruin opportunities to spend precious time with loved ones, and to keep doors of good communication open with them. That one things could very well could end up being so regrettable someday.

I went into my deep dive, knowing that I didn't want to participate in anything that God didn't like, and I was willing to hear whatever the truth was. My heart and intention previously, and to this day, is (was) to please God and to encourage others to want to do the same. So, I left any previous bias, sentiments, and information at the door, and went into a historical and biblical deep dive.

What I discovered is that there are aspects of Christmas that I think are good and holy, things that are benign and open to opinion, and things that are sketchy, that I would personally choose to avoid. Again, I am hesitant to go through the list of every personal conviction I have because I don't want anyone to jump on that and run with it. I want everyone to seek God, His Word, and the truth for themselves, so that they are personally anchored in their convictions and not just floating on someone else's; that is not a sturdy place to be. I will say that I deeply regret taking on a spirit around this season of the year, that made me want the time to go by faster, and I also deeply regret sharing too many of my opinions online previously. Every single day is a beautiful gift from our Creator, and every single day is a great and joyous time to celebrate Him, Christ's incarnation, and His incredible creation and gifts.

I wrote a blog last year explaining my research and thoughts on why I think that this time of year is so special in the bible narrative and timeline and how it may point to Jesus being born during the feast of Tabernacles in the autumn. That post talks about light coming into the world and If you are interested in reading that, you can find it here. When Light Came Into The World - A Season of Joy.

I think that God has covered His creation with beautiful things and it is natural for humans to enjoy decorating their home with some of the same beauty that God adorns His world with. Just because a pagan did something and perverted something, doesn't mean it belongs to the enemy. In my findings, Christmas has Christian origins, but some traditions were added over time that have probably perverted the intention of it. Christmas seems to be a fulfillment of sorts of the Feast of Dedication (the cleansing and dedication of the temple), and His incarnation was meant to be celebrated to combat the circulating heresy of the time by the Gnostics that were attempting to deny Jesus' life and incarnation.

The concept of the Christmas tree came from a tradition in Germany:

Christmas Trees started out as 'Paradise Trees' (branches or wooden frames decorated with apples). These were used in medieval German Miracle Plays that were acted out in front of Churches during Advent and on Christmas Eve. The Paradise Tree represented the Garden of Eden. It was often paraded around the town before the play started, as a way of advertising the play. The plays told Bible stories to people who could not read. In the 1600s, Martin Luther, was said to be the first to add candles to the tree.

The context of the verse in Jeremiah 10 does not seem remotely connected to the Christmas tree. The context of Jeremiah 10, was that pagans would cut down trees or take stone, and carve idols (ashtoreth poles) out of the trunks and then decorate the carved idols as an act of worship to false Gods.

We know that simply decorating a space with an evergreen tree is not wrong because:

Isaiah 60:13

13 “The glory of Lebanon shall come to you,The cypress, the pine, and the fir tree together,To beautify the place of My sanctuary;And I will make the place of My feet glorious."

If it's okay for Jesus to decorate His tabernacle with pine, fir, and cypress trees (all evergreens) when He comes back, then it's okay to hang a garland on your mantel or enjoy a tree in your living room.

Singing hymns that glorify God, going to church, enjoying time with your family, breaking bread with people, giving someone a gift, are all good things. So yes, I have landed in a place where I celebrate a simple Christ centered Christmas, and I also acknowledge Hanukkah on it's first night (the feast of dedication). I also do not care what season of conviction other people are in. I am not called to run around being the Holy Spirit, I am called to live my purpose, love others, encourage other women, and make manifest the glory of God, so that others may see Him in me.

So, I am not going to get into every nuance of every tradition and my opinion on it, but I will end this the way I ended last years blog:

'So, while I don't believe it's accurate that He was born at the end of December, I absolutely believe it's when He entered the world, via the Holy Spirit, into the blessed womb of his mother. Either way, The Light had come into the world. What a thing to celebrate. What a thing of joy. I do realize that holidays today have unfortunately become so worldly and many things have gotten questionable and out of control. However, there's is still so much to celebrate and be joyful in. God wastes absolutely zero details to show His glory and to point to the Messiah of the world in every bit of everything He does.

So, whether you celebrate that through a Christ centered Christmas, or through Feast of Dedication, both, the humming of hymns, or through simply living those days with joy in your heart unto the Lord, be of good cheer, and rejoice, for a great light has come, and salvation is here for all the world.'

Matthew 4:16 The people who sat in darkness have seen a great light, And upon those who sat in the region and shadow of death Light has dawned.”